Jan
29

The Amazing Golf Ball

A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and a greasy little salesman runs up to him, and yells, “Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you! Useful golf equipment !”

The golfer, annoyed, says, “What is it?”

“It’s a special golf ball,” says the salesman. “You can never lose it!”

“Whattaya mean,” scoffs the golfer, “you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?”

“No problem,” says the salesman. “It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it.”

“Well, what if you hit it into the woods?”

“Easy,” says the salesman. “It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed.”

“Okay,” says the golfer, impressed. “But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?”

“No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I’m telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!”

The golfer buys it at once. “Just one question,” he says to the salesman. “Where did you get it?”

“I found it.”

 

 

Golf Lesson distinguished by gender

A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them is playing as well as they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, “No, no, no, You are gripping the cheap golf clubs way too hard!”

“Well, what should I do?” Asks the man.

“Hold the club gently,” the pro replies, “just like you’d hold your wife’s breast.”

The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250 yards straight down the fairway. The next day the wife goes for her lesson. After the pro watches her swing, he says, “No, no, no, You’re gripping the club way too hard.”

“What can I do?” asks the wife.

“Hold the club gently, just like you’d hold your husband’s penis.”

The wife listens carefully to the pro’s advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway, about 35 feet.

“That was great,” the pro says, “Nice and gentle. Now take the club out of your mouth and swing it like you’re supposed to.”

golf clubs for you :ping g15 driver

Jan
12

 I once called my cousin Rick to round out a foursome with Tony Kukoc (one of the World Champion Chicago Bulls). Rick’s a big guy,anyway, my friend Augie invited me to join him and his friend Tony the next day. This was back when I was playing everyday. So,naturally, I said sure. Besides, I thought it was nice of Augie to invite me along.

Even nicer, I thought, when he said I should invite someone else along too. That’s where Rick came in. I phoned him at the office and here’s how the conversation went:

Joe: “Hey, Rick. What’s up?”

Rick: “Just takin’ care of business.”

Joe: “How would you like to join me for a round of golf tomorrow? We need a fourth.”

Rick: “Aw man, I’d love to. But Karen would kill me if I went out again. I played four out of the last 5 days…It seems like all I’ve been doing is playing golf lately. I don’t think so. No. There’s no way I can go. Thanks though.”

Joe: “That’s too bad. I guess I’ll have to keep look in’”

Rick: “Hey, who you playing with anyway?”

Joe: “Me, Augie, Tony and whoever I get as a fourth?”

Rick: “Tony? Tony who?”

Joe: “Tony Kukoc”

Rick: “Ok. What Time Should I Be There?”.

And when he said that. We both just busted out laughing! So, the next day, Rick shows up in the locker room. And he asks…

“Hey, you think it’d be alright if I brought a camera along?”.

Rick loves to hang pictures in his office. And he has a story for every one. But, I suggested – “Why not save it for after the round. You know. After we’ve all had a chance to get to know one another.”

It seemed to make sense and reluctantly, Rick put his camera and cheap golf clubs  away. So, we all met up at the first tee…

Did introductions…

Teed off…

Had a few laughs…

A little conversation here and there… Good time.

After we finished the round we all shook hands and Augie said they were going to be on their way. Rick asked if Tony would mind a picture, but Augie and Tony were heading right out. No time for a shot, those discount golf clubs were free.

I don’t have to tell you how Rick felt. If he had brought his camera, he’d have been able to snap a shot. Instead, he listened to me…and didn’t get the picture. To say he was disappointed would be putting it mildly. But being the good guy that he is, he never said an ill word to me for my bad advice. And now I have some advice for you–Don’t take my advice.

Callaway X-22 Irons

Nov
20

A Pack of Golf Jokes

Posted In: Golf Talk by Sylvia

A golfer called one of the golf caddies and asked, “I need a caddy who can count and keep the score.What’s 3 and 4 and 5 come to?”
“10″ said the caddy.
“Great, you’ll do perfectly!”

—

A guy is standing in front of his locker at the country club admiring a golf ball he has in his hand.
One of his golfing mates remarks: “What’d you do, get some new golf balls?”
“Would you believe that this is the greatest golf ball ever made? You can’t lose it. You hit it into the rough, it whistles. You hit it into the woods and a bell inside goes off. If you drive it into a lake, a big burst of steam shoots up six feet in the air for two minutes.”
“That’s great. Where did you get it?”
He replied, “I found it.”

—

A man, about to tee off felt a tap on his shoulder and a bloke handed him a card that read “I am a deaf mute. May I play through, please?”

The 1st man angrily gave the card back, and communicated that “No, he may NOT play through, and that his handicap did not give him such a right.”

The first man whacked the ball onto the green and left to finish the hole.

Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball, laying him out cold.

When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other hand holding up 4 fingers.

—

A woman was cleaning her husbands dresser drawers when she found 3 golf balls and a box with $2000 in it. She waited for him to come home from the golf course to ask him why these things were hidden in his dresser drawer. The husband said I’m sorry I hid this from you but the truth is every time I cheated on you over the last 30 years I put a golf ball in the drawer. The wife was very upset at first but after thinking about it said “I guess 3 times in 30 years is really not that bad! Oh by the way what is the $2000 in the drawer. The husband replied” Well every time I got to a dozen balls I sold them.

—

Nick, an avid golfer uses a “Medium” to ask if Heaven has a Golf Course.
The Medium says that his request is a big order, but he will try and find out and get back to him in a few days.
Several days later, Nick gets a call from the Medium.
“Well, what did you find out?” asks Nick.
“I’ve got good news and bad news for you,” said the Medium.
“OK,” “what’s the good news” Nick said excitedly.
“Well, there’s is a beautiful 36 hole golf course in Heaven, and you’ll have 24 hour access with your own personal caddy,” blurted out the Medium!
“And the bad news?” asked Nick
“You’re due to tee-off this Sunday at around 10 in the morning!”

Cheap golf clubs recommended:

Ping G15 Driver